Someone Else's Shadow

You're on a second or third date and you're at a movie (people do still go to movies on dates, right?). You like this person and you're aware of the fact that it's a little sixth-grader-ish, but you're pretty thrilled at the thought of this person sitting right next to you. There's going to be a fourth date, you're sure of it. The two of you get along so well. You're thinking more about all of this than the movie and it's kinda fun, and then it happens. He (or she) reaches for your hand.

And then something else happens. Suddenly you don't want things to go farther than they are. You don't want to leave the theater because it might mean that he's going to make another move and what are you going to say if he does? Do you just let him act on his feelings and not tell him what's going through your mind? How far do you let it go? You feel like you're being ridiculous but you can't stop it, just the same. Maybe this was a bad idea. And just like that, you freeze, right there in the movie theater because someone just walked where someone else has been before and your mind is racing through flashback after flashback of that someone else and you're terrified without fully understanding why.

Dating is difficult and tricky in the first place, so what's a person to do when he/she gets up the courage to start dating again, but still feels shadows from someone behind?

In the past, I have often been in such a hurry to move on and forget bad experiences, that I also rushed through healing. While it's probably not healthy to dwell on the past, I believe that in order for God to make something good out of our pasts, we have to be willing to face the past in the first place. Now, when I am feeling overwhelmed with bad memories of someone, I try to let myself simply remember, for just a little while. I might remembered a date that I hadn't thought about since breaking up with someone. Then I might remember some things a significant other used to say. Then I remember something else. And then something else and with each startling memory, I will realize that each memory is uncomfortable and unsettling, but each one comes with its own resurrection, too. In a state of disbelief, courage, and prayer, sometimes I start trying to remember everything that I can about something I'd tried to block out before, as honestly as I can, just to bring memories to light and finally face them. I can work my mind and heart into exhaustion this way, but finally fall asleep without the fear of night. Sometimes just getting memories out of my system lets me wake up the next morning with joy. It is like finally being free from something I didn't even know was tying me down. Depending on the situation, telling someone I trust about a memory I had tried to keep secret helps too. Sharing our burdens means that the number of people to help us fight what we have gone through has just doubled. Maybe it's time for you to tell someone new about what happened in your past. You don't have to tell then every single detail, just what he needs to know. Tell him (and mean it) that sometimes simple things like a certain movie brings back memories for you that make you uncomfortable. Tell him that if he has questions, you'll answer them honestly, but for now you just want to let him know what is happening in your mind and that you are working through it. He can't fight a monster he can't see, and so maybe it is time to bring your past to light for the both of you. Easy? No. Necessary? Well, that depends on the kind of relationship you're in, I guess, but I think it is in a lot of cases.

Different people go through lots of different feelings for different lengths of time after being in a relationship that may have had a negative impact on them for one reason or another. Sometimes we feel guilty that anything negative happened at all. Sometimes we feel anger at the other person in the relationship, and maybe more often we can feel mad at ourselves for letting someone affect us the way they did or still do.

As I get older, I realize that everyone has an experience from years past that they would probably rather be left out of their personal history. We all have things we wish didn't happen, and shadows over certain parts of our lives that we wish weren't there. But it is important to remember that regardless of what or when an event happened or relationship ended, you didn't let it defeat you. Cherish the strength that God gives you to walk through and out of valleys. Look for the gifts or wisdom you now have because of what happened in your past. See God working with the shadows in your life to show His light. Learn to look at those shadows in a new way - they are not your past significant other's. They are not yours, either. If you are willing to hand them over, those shadows are God's.

"Be gracious to me God, be gracious to me, for I take refuge in You.

I will seek refuge in the shadow of Your wings until danger passes." - Psalm 57:1