I should be getting my house ready for a big Christmas get-together tonight. I should be wrapping presents as if Christmas is three days away (okay, so it really is three days away...boy have I got work to do...). But instead, I am finally sitting in my favorite chair that's been calling my name for weeks now, with a cozy blanket, propping my feet up and flipping through channels to see what's on TV before I go to bed. And while I'm waiting for the weather man to tell me what kind of day tomorrow will be, I flip to the next channel, where I see "Mama's Boys," apparently the latest "reality" dating TV show. Now let's, just for a second, pretend that I can even stand those TV shows in the first place. I leave the TV on that particular channel, knowing fully well that I'm going to be so disgusted with it in mere minutes that I'm going to remember why I haven't watched night time television in ages.
In case you didn't catch what I think is the season premiere, let me just catch you up to speed. There's three guys and their Moms, and then a good twenty sparkling, jacked-up-on-nine-inch-heels women. I came in right in the middle of a date where dashing young man number 1 has taken out a woman who's shoes are real, but I'm guessing that not much else is. She's terrifyingly shallow and Mom thinks so too. "Huh." I think to myself. For once, there is someone on the show who actually tells the dashing young man that he's lost his blooming mind. Dashing man doesn't agree with Mom, though. And then, before I can change channel in response to realizing I'm wasting valuable sleep time to watch trash, I see another new twist that the TV folks have put onto their dating show. Instead of the traditional meeting of the twenty attention-hungry women and the man and then a brief naming of who gets to live to see another date, I hear the announcer say something that disturbs me to my core. "Ladies, as you know, you each get one cell phone and if one of these three dashing young gentlemen like you, they will text you "yes." If none of the three dashing young gentlemen like you, you will get the text "no."
What?
Getting accepted or dumped by text message?
Seriously? Are you kidding me?!
I know that everything I'm about to say is something you already know. I know that the face of dating is changing every day, but it's shows like this that are changing it for us. It would be one thing if this show was showing something brand new in the ever-growing field of ridiculousness, but the really sad part is that it isn't, and I'm frustrated. Call me old fashioned, but any man who dumps a girl by text message or email isn't a man at all, and that's exactly what I told the man to did that to me once...whoops sorry, this isn't about me, is it?
Well, wait a minute. Maybe this is about me. This is about what I will let our ever-changing culture tell me about how I'm supposed to be living as a single, dating adult. This is about what I will stand for and what I won't. It's about what I believe is godly and right. This is about sitting down and straightening out what I see around me constantly, and what I know, in my heart, to be what dating should really look like. (Bear with me, as this could take a while. I'm pretty riled up. :) )
1. Dating should be about finding someone you are going to spend your life with, not someone you just want to spend the night with, let's just get that one out in the open and out of the way. (mumble grumble.....I'm so sick of seeing.....mumble grumble......happens everywhere I look.....mumble grumble......doesn't anyone have standards anymore?......more grumbling)
2. I think that if a man or woman is going to start seriously considering someone as the afore-mentioned life partner, then both people involved should stop "shopping around." If you are going to tell a person you love them, then that is a committment and it shouldn't be taken so lightly that you can say it to at least three other people in the same week.
3. Men should act like godly men. That means that they don't invite the woman to spend the night with him in an expensive hotel room on that third date and they certainly don't rely on text messages or emails to say something important. A man ought to show enough respect that he can say what he needs to say in person. If he can't tell a woman that he's no longer interested, then he doesn't have enough respect for her or himself to be dating her in the first place. On a date, he should be demonstrating that he is capable and willing to support and protect his wife and kids (should kids enter the picture, that is). He should be showing that he is responsible, good at making decisions and willing to put others before himself. A woman's interest or skill in yachting really shouldn't be a deal breaker.
4. Women should act like godly women. That means that they don't accept that date to the hotel room or accept any disrespectful actions. It also means that she should handle herself with self respect. She should be showing that she is capable and willing to take care of a husband and kids (if they enter the picture). She should be showing that she can make good decisions and is willing to put others before herself. And I realize that physical appearences can play a role in developing chemistry between two people, but ladies, all you are doing when you reveal all but four square inches of your body is revealing that physical appearences are all you have to offer (and that they've been offered more than once.) Asking the man out, paying for your own meals on dates, doing the follow up calls and having to rely on text messages or emails to know where you stand with a man really should be a deal breaker. (You can trust me on this one. I learned it the hard way... More times than I prefer to admit, actually.)
5. You know, I don't really think that rushing right out with "I think you're the one" is really that great of an idea. I think that letting the person you're dating know that you continue to be interested in them is appropriate, even necessary, but rushing into things, in most cases, isn't going to do anything but throw getting-to-know a person into a premature relationship that really hasn't had the chance to develop into a strong bond between two responsible adults.
6. Ever notice how when those people on TV are getting to know one another that they'll ask each other about travel, about music, about food, about skiing - everything except whether or not they share a belief in God? If that conversation itself doesn't come up on the first several dates, then I think that the answers to those sorts of questions should at least be very obvious in the way the person handles him or herself. It should be clear in the stories he tells about himself, or in the way she talks. And if the conversation does come up, then it should be clear that the person lives what he believes and doesn't just talk a good talk. (Learned that one the hard way, too.)
7. I think that a family's opinion of a potential spouse is very important, but I don't think that it belongs in the first date. I think that an adult should be able to make pretty good character decisions without Mom telling him what he needs to be thinking. On the other side of the coin, I also think that you shouldn't date someone if you automatically know that there's no way you'd ever bring that person out to meet your family. If you know you can't "bring them home," then that should be saying something to you, and it should be saying it loud and obnoxiously.
8. While that first date might, bless your heart, have told you to mark another person off the list, it's probably not enough to tell you to seal the deal. I think I've seen the whole love-at-first-sight thing so many times on television and in movies that I've started thinking that I should be feeling that kind of clarity on a first, or second or eleventh date. Instead, what I'm having to reteach myself is that if I'm not feeling that kind of clarity, it doesn't mean that I'm never going to find "the one." What it means is that I'm trying to see every side to a person that he's got before I make a decision that I will live with for the rest of my life. If a person can learn to fly an airplane in less than six months, doesn't it makes sense that choosing a spouse to live with for each and every day of the rest of my life might take a little longer than a television season? Dating should be a process handled with care. Dating should be have its fun and romantic moments, but it should be handled seriously, too. Dating, above all, should be dating-
Not reality television.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Everpresence
Everpresence. Isn’t that a beautiful word? (Okay, so it’s not a really word, but humor me, here!) The sound of it soothes my soul as I sit in the middle of my new living room floor, in my new house, amongst boxes and boxes and boxes and boxes and boxes of….good grief, who knows what’s in these things…
Moving comes with a mountain of complications that is daunting in and of itself. There’s furniture to disassemble, fingers to smash, boxes to fill up, locating more boxes because the first ones you gathered up aren’t enough, junk you would rather leave behind than have to pack up and move, boxes and furniture to load up in any vehicle that will carry them, boxes and furniture to unload, furniture to reassemble after you finally find all of the parts to it again, boxes to unpack (or leave packed up and forgotten in some closet, in my case), places to find for it all….(deep breath)….services to cancel, services to subscribe to, billing addresses to change…mercy, just thinking about it all makes me just as tired as actually going through it! Now add the complications of trying to fit it all of that in between work and normal day to day activities.
In the words of Shakespeare – “Aye! There’s the rub!”
Because, you see, (in case you haven’t moved in a while), you can’t just move yourself. You have to have help. I can’t connect the phone lines myself, I can’t set up the satellite TV. I can’t just assume that my mailbox will get mail to it tomorrow. I can’t turn on the electricity. I’ve got to have help. And that means that I have to move on somebody else’s 8-5 (or 9-4, for heaven sakes) schedule. Of course, 8-5 is not exactly when I’m able to focus my attention on moving, because I’m at work. So when I’m able to finally think about forwarding addresses and missing parts to doorbells and new heater filters, the rest of the world has gone home. Gone to lunch. Gone to bed. Exactly where I would be if I could find the darned thing.
Obviously, the world is not going to change for my relocation complications, so I accept that I’ve got to change my schedule to fit everyone else’s if I’m going to accomplish anything. So I come to work armed and ready to make quick phone calls in between tasks at work. Well, “quick” is a relative term, of course. What I really meant is that I’m armed to track down a phone number, dial it, and then face a long list of dial menu options. Press one if you wish to subscribe to this service. Press two if you are a service technician trying to install a service. Press three if you already subscribe to this service and have a billing question. Press four if you already subscribe to this service and are experiencing a problem with your service, such as a black or snowy television screen. Press five if you already have gone through this dial menu four times and still are not sure which number you should choose. Press six if you wish to speak with a representative. Duh. Of course I want to speak with a human being, are you kidding me? Of course, the first human being you get is never the right human being, so you get put on hold until the next available human being can help you. And every human being comes at me with more questions than I had for them – can you verify your mailing address? (I would if I could get to the post office to change my address!). What is your present phone number (uh….darned if I know!). Please enter the last four numbers of your social security number for verification purposes. We’re sorry, we do not show that phone number to match that social security number in our records. You need to talk to a different human being. Human being #3 wants to know if I know where my television cables need to be installed and if I have all necessary remote controls still in my possession (uh…..in one of these boxes probably….hopefully…..uh….can I just get new remotes?) and then my phone call with human being #3 is suddenly cut off because I’ve just moved to a house where there is the weakest of cell phone signals and I would have called on a land line if I could get a hold of that office – oh, sorry. You probably got the point a long time ago.
My point is that moving is hard because true, honest to gosh everpresence isn’t what we human beings do (and yes, that includes human being #7 at the phone company who is above human beings 1-6.) Everpresence is something that only God does. There are lots of entities that try to compete, but no one else can pull it off. God’s everpresence is a service that I can subscribe to whether it’s 4:00 in the morning or 7:00 at night. I don’t have to have a working phone number and I don’t have to pay extra fees for voice dial. I don’t have to switch the service over from one person’s name to my own. God doesn’t need a dial menu to sort through requests or complaints or joyous remarks (like “I found the salt and pepper shakers!!! They were in this box way over here!!!”) or questions. He doesn’t require us to wait at home between the specific hours of 8:00 and 12:00 for an appointment to install his everpresence. He’s got technicians everywhere, although you might not know them just by looking at them. His God-Haul trucks can get you where you need to go without breaking your antique dish collection. He doesn’t put anyone on hold, he does the holding himself. Calls to him are free, but they don’t require 800 numbers. His everpresence is in every box I packed up, but it won’t – oh, thank you, God – get lost in one. He’s something that’s unchanging when nothing – and I mean nothing – else is. My call won’t get cut off in the middle of an important conversation and he doesn’t even mind if I ask the same thing four times in a row until I finally understand the answer. There’s not even any deposit to be paid because someone, bless their soul, paid it for me a long time ago. God’s everpresence is an around the clock, no fees, no waiting, no-batteries-included-because-they-aren’t-needed customer service.
Hey that’s a pretty good line. I should write that down – uh… well, I would if I knew where my pens were….
Moving comes with a mountain of complications that is daunting in and of itself. There’s furniture to disassemble, fingers to smash, boxes to fill up, locating more boxes because the first ones you gathered up aren’t enough, junk you would rather leave behind than have to pack up and move, boxes and furniture to load up in any vehicle that will carry them, boxes and furniture to unload, furniture to reassemble after you finally find all of the parts to it again, boxes to unpack (or leave packed up and forgotten in some closet, in my case), places to find for it all….(deep breath)….services to cancel, services to subscribe to, billing addresses to change…mercy, just thinking about it all makes me just as tired as actually going through it! Now add the complications of trying to fit it all of that in between work and normal day to day activities.
In the words of Shakespeare – “Aye! There’s the rub!”
Because, you see, (in case you haven’t moved in a while), you can’t just move yourself. You have to have help. I can’t connect the phone lines myself, I can’t set up the satellite TV. I can’t just assume that my mailbox will get mail to it tomorrow. I can’t turn on the electricity. I’ve got to have help. And that means that I have to move on somebody else’s 8-5 (or 9-4, for heaven sakes) schedule. Of course, 8-5 is not exactly when I’m able to focus my attention on moving, because I’m at work. So when I’m able to finally think about forwarding addresses and missing parts to doorbells and new heater filters, the rest of the world has gone home. Gone to lunch. Gone to bed. Exactly where I would be if I could find the darned thing.
Obviously, the world is not going to change for my relocation complications, so I accept that I’ve got to change my schedule to fit everyone else’s if I’m going to accomplish anything. So I come to work armed and ready to make quick phone calls in between tasks at work. Well, “quick” is a relative term, of course. What I really meant is that I’m armed to track down a phone number, dial it, and then face a long list of dial menu options. Press one if you wish to subscribe to this service. Press two if you are a service technician trying to install a service. Press three if you already subscribe to this service and have a billing question. Press four if you already subscribe to this service and are experiencing a problem with your service, such as a black or snowy television screen. Press five if you already have gone through this dial menu four times and still are not sure which number you should choose. Press six if you wish to speak with a representative. Duh. Of course I want to speak with a human being, are you kidding me? Of course, the first human being you get is never the right human being, so you get put on hold until the next available human being can help you. And every human being comes at me with more questions than I had for them – can you verify your mailing address? (I would if I could get to the post office to change my address!). What is your present phone number (uh….darned if I know!). Please enter the last four numbers of your social security number for verification purposes. We’re sorry, we do not show that phone number to match that social security number in our records. You need to talk to a different human being. Human being #3 wants to know if I know where my television cables need to be installed and if I have all necessary remote controls still in my possession (uh…..in one of these boxes probably….hopefully…..uh….can I just get new remotes?) and then my phone call with human being #3 is suddenly cut off because I’ve just moved to a house where there is the weakest of cell phone signals and I would have called on a land line if I could get a hold of that office – oh, sorry. You probably got the point a long time ago.
My point is that moving is hard because true, honest to gosh everpresence isn’t what we human beings do (and yes, that includes human being #7 at the phone company who is above human beings 1-6.) Everpresence is something that only God does. There are lots of entities that try to compete, but no one else can pull it off. God’s everpresence is a service that I can subscribe to whether it’s 4:00 in the morning or 7:00 at night. I don’t have to have a working phone number and I don’t have to pay extra fees for voice dial. I don’t have to switch the service over from one person’s name to my own. God doesn’t need a dial menu to sort through requests or complaints or joyous remarks (like “I found the salt and pepper shakers!!! They were in this box way over here!!!”) or questions. He doesn’t require us to wait at home between the specific hours of 8:00 and 12:00 for an appointment to install his everpresence. He’s got technicians everywhere, although you might not know them just by looking at them. His God-Haul trucks can get you where you need to go without breaking your antique dish collection. He doesn’t put anyone on hold, he does the holding himself. Calls to him are free, but they don’t require 800 numbers. His everpresence is in every box I packed up, but it won’t – oh, thank you, God – get lost in one. He’s something that’s unchanging when nothing – and I mean nothing – else is. My call won’t get cut off in the middle of an important conversation and he doesn’t even mind if I ask the same thing four times in a row until I finally understand the answer. There’s not even any deposit to be paid because someone, bless their soul, paid it for me a long time ago. God’s everpresence is an around the clock, no fees, no waiting, no-batteries-included-because-they-aren’t-needed customer service.
Hey that’s a pretty good line. I should write that down – uh… well, I would if I knew where my pens were….
“God is our
refuge and strength, and ever-present help in times of
trouble.”
Psalm 46:1
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Front and Center
I just finished watching "Front and Center" a movie about a boy with Terets Syndrome that grew up to be the First Year Year Teacher of the Year for Georgia.
It dealt with the hurdles he had to overcome both as a child and as an adult. The greatest hurdle was the lack of acceptance by others.
As large of a problem as this is, I think that often the lack of acceptance of ourselves is an even larger problem. It often seems as though we put our lives on hold until we can find that one piece of the puzzle we feel is missing. That could be education, signifigant other, new job, more money, etc...
The true fact is that none of those things change the core of who we are. After much growing and learning, I have found that who I am needs to be complete and the people I add to my life need to compliment it. I have found that education can make your life different and give you opportunities that are not open to everyone. Money can also make our lives easier but not necessarily better.
I was talking with a friend who has been married and divorced twice. He called himself a two time loser. I felt like a loser for years, after my divorce, as well. Then I stopped to look at the things that I gained as opposed to the things that I had lost. This is certainly not to say that I don't wish that my marriage hadn't worked out, because I do. It is not how it worked out so I have to move forward.
For many years it was too risky to trust others and to let people in to my world. It was not a good way to live. I missed some great friends that passed through and I wasn't willing to accept for fear that they would reject me later.
How many times do we miss the direction God has planned for us because we are too scared to take a chance? Charles Swindoll asked the question, "What would you do if you knew you could not fail?" It has given me a lot of room for thought and some new avenues to explore. What would you do?
It dealt with the hurdles he had to overcome both as a child and as an adult. The greatest hurdle was the lack of acceptance by others.
As large of a problem as this is, I think that often the lack of acceptance of ourselves is an even larger problem. It often seems as though we put our lives on hold until we can find that one piece of the puzzle we feel is missing. That could be education, signifigant other, new job, more money, etc...
The true fact is that none of those things change the core of who we are. After much growing and learning, I have found that who I am needs to be complete and the people I add to my life need to compliment it. I have found that education can make your life different and give you opportunities that are not open to everyone. Money can also make our lives easier but not necessarily better.
I was talking with a friend who has been married and divorced twice. He called himself a two time loser. I felt like a loser for years, after my divorce, as well. Then I stopped to look at the things that I gained as opposed to the things that I had lost. This is certainly not to say that I don't wish that my marriage hadn't worked out, because I do. It is not how it worked out so I have to move forward.
For many years it was too risky to trust others and to let people in to my world. It was not a good way to live. I missed some great friends that passed through and I wasn't willing to accept for fear that they would reject me later.
How many times do we miss the direction God has planned for us because we are too scared to take a chance? Charles Swindoll asked the question, "What would you do if you knew you could not fail?" It has given me a lot of room for thought and some new avenues to explore. What would you do?
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