Throwing Stones...But Not the Way You're Thinking

Once, a few years ago, I was really frustrated with something and I set out to walk down an old dirt road until I’d worked the heartache out of my body. Along the way, I picked up a rock and I put all of my energy into throwing it as far as I could. Then I picked up another and I walked a little further, rolling it around my fingers, and then I threw it, too. Before long, I started thinking of those rocks as little symbols of the hump I was trying to get over in my head, and by throwing them away from me, it meant that there was no turning back. There was to be no more worrying about that particular thing. It was over. It was through. I couldn’t go back and find those rocks if I wanted to. And I kept walking until I ended up back at my house, feeling like I had finally gotten rid of something that had been following me around for far too long.

Today I find myself walking, and I’ve picked up another rock (which, let’s face it, isn’t that odd for me. I can’t help it, I like rocks for some reason, ha ha). But this rock is one that I’ve picked up, not with the intention of adding it to my really cool rock collection (did I just admit to having one of those?), but the intention to take it as far as I care to carry it – and then throw it. This rock represents the months and months that I have been hung up over a relationship that I really ought to give up. I’ll be honest. For maybe the first time in my adult life, I fell in love with someone and fell hard. Unfortuneately, he wasn’t ready to change some things in his life to be able to commit to a life with me. Some days I could see this for what it was and know that the last thing I needed to do was reply to his emails or calls. I knew I was putting my heart into something that, despite its impossible-to-ignore potential, would never materialize. I mean, I had known in my heart that I was meant for this person. I was ready to move far away from home to be where he was. I was ready to move to the end of the Earth if that’s what it was going to take to be with this person. I’d hate myself for thinking along those lines, but I couldn’t pull myself away from him. He was my best friend. And just think – we could be so much more! My days of singleness could finally be over! After a long, long time of the two of us feeling chemistry visible to everyone despite our attempts to mask it, I finally asked him if he ever thought about us in the future tense. And he said yes, he did. I asked him what we should do next. He looked at me blankly and said he thought we could just keep things the same as they were… couldn’t we? He had no intention of marrying me, had no intention of doing much of anything really, except keeping my heart tied up in a relationship that was within reach, but not embraceable.

I was completely shattered. I went to work the next day and cried. I came home and I cried. I felt that God was trying to say that there was something better than this guy waiting out there for me, but I was so broken hearted. And when this guy continued to maintain his presence in my life like nothing had changed between us, it was even harder because in fact, everything had changed. I had to pull away from the one person I had been so sure about in my heart. So I would pull away, but then find myself falling into the same old habits with him. Then I’d collect my senses again and pull away. Then back again. It’s exhausting for you to read, I’m sure, so you can imagine what it was like to feel. At first I would pray to God to change the boy’s mind. Then those prayers turned into “just please get me through this day,” and then they turned into “just don’t let me dream about him tonight.” Then one day I got so tired of having to fight my own self to stay away from something that was clearly doing me more harm than good, that I finally prayed “God, take him out of my head. I need him out of my heart. Whatever feelings I’ve ever had for him, take them away from me. I can’t do this anymore” and it was scary, because I knew that it meant letting go of all of those wonderful memories I had with him. It meant saying good bye to something I’d put my whole heart into.

Just last week, I was walking along the Brazos river, as I often do. I watched its waters moving smoothly from the north to the south and followed its banks until they swept past the horizon. Then I thought - I have been carrying something around with me for far too long. I picked up a rock and carried it in my hand for a while, not sure I really wanted to get rid of this thing I’d been carrying. So I walked a while longer until I was physically exhausted. I stopped and sat down, fingering the rock in my hand. Some voice in my heart whispered to me “Finally. It’s time. It’s time to let go of this.” So I took that rock, and I threw it into the waters of the Brazos river with all of my might. I imagined it getting carried far, far away, so far that there was no getting it back. I stared at the current for a long time and then I walked away from there with the sun setting behind me. Maybe that will be the last time I have to throw that rock and maybe I’ll have to throw it a few more times, but some day I’m going to be through with this. God’s ready to carry it all for me, I know. It’s my heart that needs convincing.

Is there something in your life that you’ve been carrying around for far too long? Is there some past relationship that is holding you back from new ones, that’s holding you back from a stronger relationship with God? Why don’t you come with me? Let’s pick up our rocks for the last time and let’s pray together. Let’s tell God that we are finally going to let Him take our burdens away from our hearts. He can do that, you know. He can take these things we carry in our hearts and whisk them away from us so that we never have to shed tears over them again. Come with me. Let’s take these rocks and together, let’s throw them into his River. Feel the water moving over your toes with me. Let’s finally feel what it is like to just open your hand and let go. Let’s do it on the count of three. Are you ready?

One...two...three -